When working with my female clients, I always made sure to maintain direct eye contact. I found it interesting how varied eye contact could be from client to client, but by keeping my own gaze level and my posture upright, it often calmed my ladies enough to get them to open up about any physical or emotional issues they wanted to work on during our therapy sessions.
I’ve attended numerous workshops and training sessions over the years where I’ve had to correct myself when I realised I had crossed my arms and/or legs. Notably, it was often when the topic was a difficult one to cope with. Folding in on myself was something I started to do long before I left my abusive marriage. Over time, I’ve learned how to open up my body language and slow my speech, although this is still a work in progress. By being responsive to the lessons all around me, I maintain my interest in the people I meet and the subjects I learn and teach.
One lesson that I found to be the most valuable was exploring my personal space. Blank pages don’t scare me, neither do empty rooms, or lulls in conversation. I’ve found the answers to so many questions within these quiet periods. That wasn’t always the case, though, and it’s only through identifying my fears that I’ve been able to reflect on my feelings about this. I challenged myself regularly at the start of my period of recovery and set goals accordingly. One of the challenges I faced that has since become a favourite pastime, was going to the cinema on my own.
Facing the world as a single mother (i.e.: alone) was frightening. It took a great deal of inner work to understand how I’d allowed my situation to control my actions. I was solely responsible for three small lives, but equally, I was responsible for creating my own happiness. I knew how important it was to change my thinking and set goals that were specific to my situation, manageable for a single working mother, achievable, realistic and timely.
I used journaling as a way to record my progress, and assess my achievements. This personal development tool is my main go-to method to this day. It allows me the space I need to evaluate my life. I am also able to reflect on my emotions when dealing with specific experiences.
My three children are all in their teenage years, which comes with its own set of rules! My middle son has a strong personality which can, at times, create conflict. I’m learning to set aside my personal issues so that I can focus on helping him become the unique individual I know he will be. Exam stress and hormones aside, he is a challenge for me, but a challenge I accept as he can teach me so much. He is an extrovert, whereas my eldest son and my daughter are introverts and my parenting skills are constantly put to work as I support their diversities. The quote ‘It is these characteristics and experiences that make a person unique.’ resonated strongly with me as my son is often reprimanded at school for being different (strong, verbal, and sometimes argumentative).
For my own part, I recognise how my behaviour could impact on their beliefs, and I’m also mindful of the various stages I have worked through on my journey; child, victim, anger, and denial.
By understanding these stages, I hope to continue supporting my children in the future. It is my wish that they take responsibility for their actions and maintain positive self-esteem as they become adults.
Raising self-esteem, however, is an ongoing work in progress for me. I have always been able to motivate my family, friends, and my clients, but when I need to turn that around to address my own needs, I often struggle. I’ve learned to stop berating myself and accept that I am doing the best I can. Setting goals, listening to my thoughts, and recognising any negative body language helps me manage my time, emotions, and goals.
Being organised and planning specific areas of my life is a valuable tool. I pre-plan meals and shopping lists to create a stress-free environment at home, as well as organising a household chore list, so the children are engaged in helping with the upkeep of their living space. We work well as a team.
As a writer, it’s imperative that I plan my writing time and stick fastidiously to the schedule if I hope to continue to produce two books a year. My livelihood depends on this, which acts as a positive motivator.
When I became ill a few years ago, I suffered from a severe lack of motivation. However, I gave myself permission to take a step back and think about my goals and action steps. Giving myself this space helped immensely and I could focus on the young adult fiction side of my business, losing myself in fantasy, until I felt ready to return to my non-fiction roots. Having another option kept my writing goals moving forward but gave me the breathing space I needed to work through the physical and mental issues I was facing at the time.
It would have been far too easy to abandon my writing altogether and disappear down the rabbit hole of despair. However, my goals were flexible, and I could tweak them accordingly to meet my new needs. Monitoring my writing sessions proved that I was still producing the necessary work.
Planning at that time enabled me to ‘get my mojo back’ without losing hope, or opting for unhealthy behaviours, and I have been able to maintain these positive changes and evaluate future projects and goals accordingly.
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That quotation became a guiding light through dark times for me. Instead of shaping my life as a victim of emotional and physical domestic abuse, I was guided down the pathway of a survivor by numerous mentors. It wasn’t on overnight revelation by any means. Before I tuned into the right vibrations, I lost my way, abusing my body and mind with alcohol and a poor diet. I developed hyperhidrosis and eczema brought on by the stress of divorce and coping as a single mum to three children under the age of six. I lost my job and my home, as well as an entire family unit in the way of mother and father-in-law, sister, brother, nieces, and nephew. I felt very alone.
The Book Lovers Tag
Being a single parent means you are often the only person left to manage the household chores, school run, parent-teacher meetings, cooking, cleaning, and finances as well as a million and one other things.
I’ve been a bit under the weather this week. I succumbed to a bug and have been coughing and spluttering all over the place. Shares in Kleenex must have gone through the roof! I went for my usual acupuncture session yesterday, and even my wonderful therapist had to double check my multiple pulses. ‘Hmm, it’s not looking good!’ was her diagnosis.
I’m quite a positive person, even when I’ve been knocked down, I have an annoying habit of bouncing straight back up again with an even wider smile. Walking the personal development path means I embrace all lessons – good and bad – and I learn what I can so it helps me grow emotionally and spiritually. It’s all very wonderful to have this mind set, and it certainly gives me plenty to write about, but recently I was chatting with a friend who isn’t having such a great time at the moment. They are feeling dejected, anxious and find themselves wishing the days away.